When your parent thinks you're close, but you're not.

This is something that was brought up in our Estranged Adult Child group, and I think we need to talk about it. Many parents will tell you they feel incredibly close to their adult child.

Yet the same adult child may actually feel inexplicably distant, drained, or even resentful of their parent. What looks like intimacy from the outside is often "one-way intimacy," a dynamic that begins in childhood and can persist into adulthood. 

How One-Way Intimacy Develops

• Parentification/Emotional Incest: From a young age, the child becomes the parent’s confidant, therapist, or surrogate partner. John Bradshaw famously described this as emotional incest: a parent meeting their own emotional needs through the child rather than through adult relationships.
• Developmental Mismatch: The parent offloads adult worries (divorce details, dating dramas, financial fears) onto a child whose brain and nervous system are not equipped to handle that weight.
• Reward Loop: The child is praised for being “so mature” or “the only one who understands me,” reinforcing the caretaker role.
• Silenced Needs: Over time, the child concludes, consciously or not, that their own feelings are secondary, even dangerous, because sharing them might overwhelm or anger the parent.

Signs You Might Be Caught in One-Way Intimacy

• You know your parents’ secrets, but they couldn’t name your closest friend.
• Phone calls leave you exhausted, guilty, or on edge.
• Mentioning your own stress quickly pivots back to your parents’ problems.
• You feel responsible for their moods, finances, or medical compliance.
• Setting the smallest boundary triggers accusations that you’re “cold” or “uncaring.”

How To Develop A Healthier Dynamic

• Name the Dynamic. Simply labeling it “one-way intimacy” or “parentification” can reduce shame and clarify why it feels off.
• Scale Your Sharing. Try the “traffic-light rule." Green topics you’re willing to discuss, yellow you’ll touch lightly, red you avoid.
• Practice Low-Risk Disclosure Elsewhere. Share your own feelings first with friends, a therapist, or support groups so you can feel what healthy mutual care is like.
• Set Time-Boundaries. “I have 20 minutes to chat today” keeps conversations from sprawling into unpaid therapy sessions.
• Use Written Check-Ins. A weekly email summarizing appointments or reminders can replace daily crisis calls or conversations that devolve into that.
• Expect Pushback. A parent used to full access may escalate (tears, guilt trips, or “after all I’ve told you…”). Rehearse calm replies (e.g., “I hear you’re upset; I can’t talk about that right now”).
• Reassess Regularly. Your capacity will shift with work, kids, or health. Adjust the level of contact rather than waiting until you hit a wall.

If you grew up absorbing your parents’ fears and secrets, feeling “close” may have been compulsory, not chosen. Recognizing the pattern is not a betrayal; it’s a first step toward relationships—inside or outside your family—that allow everyone’s emotional life to matter.

Reflection Prompts

• When was the last time my parent asked a genuine question about my life and listened without redirecting?
• Which of my needs do I consistently mute around them?
• What would mutual emotional support look like, in concrete terms?
• What boundary could I try this month?

Join The Estranged Adult Child or Adult Child Of Emotionally Immature Parents Group

We discuss these topics every week in our member groups at Calling Home.