Realizing Your Nice Parent Also Hurt You

In many narcissistic family systems, the focus is often on the most abusive or overtly narcissistic parent. But there is another figure whose role is just as crucial: the enabling parent. Coming to terms with the betrayal of the enabling parent can be one of the most painful realizations of adulthood, especially for those working through the impact of family dysfunction.

For many adult children of narcissistic parents, there was one parent who was clearly the aggressor: the one who screamed, manipulated, controlled, and dominated. But then there was the other parent, the one who seemed kinder, safer, maybe even loving in comparison. This parent may have provided physical care, ensured homework was done, or made sure dinner was on the table. On the surface, they appeared to be a refuge. But underneath that care, there was a painful reality: they didn't protect you.

The Dual Role: Victim and Perpetrator

In families like this, the enabling parent often lives in a dual role. They are both victim and participant. The abusive partner may have harmed them, yet they also played an active role in maintaining the dysfunction. By staying silent, minimizing the abuse, or teaching the children how to keep the peace, the enabling parent unintentionally reinforces the harmful environment.

Children learn quickly how to navigate danger. Often, they oversee the enabling parent, learning how to keep the abuser calm, when to stay quiet, and when to avoid the room. The enabler models this survival strategy every day. Without meaning to, they teach their children that this is normal. This is how you keep a family together.

The Awakening: Realizing the Enabler's Role

As adults, many people experience an awakening. They begin to understand that their "safe" parent wasn’t entirely safe after all. This realization can feel like a second loss. If the abusive parent was already out of reach emotionally or physically, seeing the enabling parent's complicity can leave you feeling like an orphan.

This is not an easy place to sit. Our brains want clarity, someone to blame, someone to save. But in these dynamics, clarity is rare. The enabling parent can be both someone who was harmed and someone who harmed you. Navigating this space requires deep compassion, boundaries, and often, support from therapy or peer communities.

Understanding the System of Enabling

Enabling doesn't happen in a vacuum. The enabler is often supported by a wider system, including extended family, friends, religious communities, workplaces, and social structures, which minimize abuse and reward appearances. When the abuser is charismatic, successful, or well-regarded, it becomes even harder to disrupt the family narrative. The enabler may feel immense pressure to maintain appearances, preserve status, or avoid shame.

This systemic enabling extends far beyond the household. Legal systems, schools, and communities often fail to protect children in abusive homes. Recognizing this broader network of complicity can be destabilizing, but it’s also clarifying: the abuse was never about you. It was about the systems that prioritized the abuser's comfort over your safety.

Questions to Ask Yourself About the Enabling Parent

If you're trying to figure out whether a relationship with your enabling parent is possible or desirable in adulthood, ask yourself:

1. Do they acknowledge what happened? Can they recognize the reality of your experience and the harm that occurred?
2. Are they receptive to feedback and open to reflection? Do they listen, empathize, and attempt to understand your feelings?
3. Are they still making excuses for the abusive parent? If they continue to minimize, deny, or shift blame, that's a warning sign.
4. What is their current relationship with the abusive parent? Have they separated, changed, or distanced themselves in any meaningful way?
5. Can they engage in an honest, collaborative, and loving relationship with you now? What would that look like, and are they capable of meeting you there?

Exploring these questions can help clarify your next steps and whether reconnection is truly safe or possible.

You Are the Protector Now

One of the hardest truths is that in adulthood, you are your own protector. The powerlessness of childhood no longer applies, even if it still feels that way. As an adult, you have choices about who you allow in your life, what relationships you maintain, and what boundaries you enforce.

This doesn’t mean you can't have compassion for your enabling parent. But compassion must coexist with accountability. You can understand their victimization without sacrificing yourself to save them. Many adult children fall into the trap of enmeshment, trying to rescue their enabling parent, especially when they feel pity or deep empathy. But that rescue mission can quickly come at the expense of your own well-being, your family, your work, and your happiness.

It’s okay to support your parent within limits, but it is also okay to step back when the cost is too high.

Moving Forward Without Getting Stuck

Realizing that your "nice' parent also hurt you is devastating. You may experience a range of emotions, including anger, grief, sadness, empathy, and confusion, often all at once. And you might wish you could return to the simpler story of one "good" parent and one "bad" parent. But life isn't that neat.

Both your abusive and enabling parents likely have histories of their own. They may have been victims. They may have experienced trauma. You can hold all of that truth, and still protect yourself. You can understand and empathize while stepping into your power as an adult and deciding what role, if any, these people will play in your life.

You don't have to stay stuck in the pain of this realization. Acknowledging it is the first step toward reclaiming your life on your terms.

If you’re navigating this process, know that you’re not alone. This work is complex and painful, but it's also the path to freedom.