Navigating the Holidays: Letting Go of Fantasies and Embracing Reality

Holidays are often painted as magical, joyful times meant to bring people together. For many, though, the season comes with a deep longing for things to be different—especially within families. You may find yourself fantasizing about a harmonious family gathering, or even adjusting your boundaries in hopes of creating a better outcome. But here’s a hard truth: people don’t magically change just because it’s a holiday.

The good news? You are no longer the child you once were. You are an adult, capable of making your own choices, setting boundaries, and redefining what the holidays mean to you. Let’s talk about how to let go of unrealistic expectations and build a holiday season that works for you.

The Fantasy of the "Perfect Holiday"

The holidays have a way of amplifying our expectations. We want everything to be just right—harmony, meaningful moments, and picture-perfect gatherings. Unfortunately, this ideal often leads to disappointment and frustration. When we expect people to behave differently or hope that family dynamics will suddenly improve, we set ourselves up for pain.

Key Reminder: The fantasy of a perfect family or flawless holiday isn’t just unattainable—it can hurt more than it helps. Acceptance of reality, as hard as it may be, is the first step toward a healthier and more peaceful season.

Holiday Reminders

If you’re struggling with family dynamics during the holidays, keep these reminders close:

• Every family has issues. No family is perfect, no matter what social media portrays.
• It’s okay to not like every family member. You are allowed to set boundaries.
• You decide how you spend your holiday. Whether you come late, leave early, or skip certain activities, the choice is yours.
• Focus on the bigger picture. A holiday is just one day. If it’s tough, focus on getting through to the next one.
• You are not your family’s drama. Your worth is not tied to their behavior.

By reminding yourself of these truths, you can create emotional distance from the chaos and protect your well-being.

Acceptance Brings Peace

High expectations often lead to dissatisfaction. On the other hand, acceptance—of your family’s limitations, your emotions, and the imperfections of the season—can open the door to real joy and contentment. This year, try releasing the following expectations:

• That people will suddenly behave differently.
• That everything will be perfect.
• That you’ll only feel happy emotions.
• That you won’t react to things that hurt you.

Instead, embrace the beauty in small, imperfect moments. Allow yourself to enjoy the season as it is, not as you wish it could be.

When Dysfunction Runs Deep

For those with highly dysfunctional families, holidays and celebrations can feel like walking through a minefield. You may find yourself preoccupied with questions like:

• “Will they behave today?”
• “Will they start an argument?”
• “What will they say after the event?”

If this sounds familiar, know this: holidays aren’t supposed to feel this way. These days aren’t meant to fill you with dread and anxiety. If you’re managing family drama more than enjoying yourself, it’s time to make a change. This might mean:

• Limiting your exposure to certain people.
• Setting clear boundaries about what behavior you will and won’t tolerate.
• Reimagining your holiday plans entirely to prioritize your mental health.

Rethinking Family Traditions

Traditions are often seen as sacred, but they can also reinforce unhealthy patterns. Here are some examples of potentially harmful traditions:

• Forcing children to hug or kiss relatives.
• Expecting family members to follow the same religion, political beliefs, or life paths.
• Keeping toxic or abusive individuals in your life because “they’re family.”
• Rigid gender roles or purity culture.
• Celebrating holidays exactly the same way every year, even when it no longer works for everyone.

Instead of sticking to traditions that no longer serve you, take time to reassess. Here’s a step-by-step process to help:

1. List your family traditions: Reflect on both recent and older practices.
2. Evaluate their impact: Highlight traditions that evoke negative memories and circle those that bring joy.
3. Adapt or let go: Consider whether certain traditions can be modified to suit your needs.
4. Involve others (if appropriate): Discuss with family members which traditions to keep, change, or leave behind.
5. Focus on your current season of life: Choose traditions that align with where you are now—especially if you have young children or new priorities.
6. Assign responsibilities: Ensure clarity about who will execute each tradition to avoid last-minute stress.

Remember, traditions are meant to enhance your holiday, not detract from it. Experiment with a few new or adjusted traditions this year and see what works best.

Your Holiday, Your Choice

You have the power to reclaim the holidays and make them meaningful on your terms. This might mean setting firmer boundaries, stepping away from unhealthy dynamics, or simply allowing yourself to grieve what you wish your family could be.

By releasing unrealistic expectations and focusing on what truly matters to you, the holidays can become less about perfection and more about authenticity. Remember: your family’s dysfunction does not define you, and you deserve a season filled with peace, joy, and moments of genuine connection—whatever that looks like for you.

This year, give yourself the gift of clarity, boundaries, and freedom to create the holiday you deserve.