Are You Actually Helping?

3 Little Epiphanies

3 Little Epiphanies

1. It can feel like you're helping, when you're only making things worse. True support doesn’t mean rescuing someone from their struggles.
2. I've been sick off and on for weeks. My work has suffered and so has my role as a parent. I've been trying to tell myself: this will pass, you are not solely what you do, it's ok to rest. Maybe you need to hear that, too.
3. You can't fix people. You can only be there for them.

"The most transformative act we can offer others is to see them as whole, even in their struggles."

Client: Alexia, 28-year-old female in Miami, FL

Presenting Concern:​"My brother is sick, and I don’t know how to fix it. He refuses to get help."

Preliminary Diagnosis:​ Helplessness and an inability to save the people she loves in a system designed to fail. Enabling with good intentions. Alexia’s face appears on my screen. We’ve been working together for a few weeks, and now we’re finally uncovering the more profound issues impacting her life.

Her brother has Bipolar Disorder. During manic episodes, he spends recklessly, calls her frantically with new ideas, and starts home improvement projects he can’t finish. When reality catches up, Alexia is the one paying off his credit card bills and listening to his overwhelming ideas. When the depressive episodes hit, she’s the one pounding on his door for hours, only to find him huddled under blankets, surrounded by three different paint colors on unfinished walls.

Their parents died when Alexia was twenty-six, leaving her and her younger brother to navigate adulthood alone. Their inheritance was supposed to offer stability, but her brother has already spent his. Now, when things fall apart, she’s the one who has to fix them.

Today, her phone is buzzing nonstop with messages from her brother—he’s in another manic episode. She struggles to focus on our session before finally silencing her phone. We’re working on setting boundaries, allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his actions while still ensuring his safety. But this is excruciating for her. She feels responsible for his well-being, as though she owes it to their parents to protect him. She can’t bear to watch him suffer. And deep down, she believes she has the answers to all his problems—if only he would listen.

I want to help Alexia accept that her brother does not want help right now—at least not the kind she’s offering. Every time she intervenes to “save” him, it may not actually help at all.

In Alexia’s case, she sees her brother as sick and herself as well. She believes she has all the answers, and if he would just follow her advice, he would be okay. But he resents her demands and her inability to see him as an autonomous adult. She, in turn, is frustrated by his lack of compliance. This is one of the hardest parts of supporting a loved one with mental illness—balancing their humanity and autonomy with the need to ensure their safety.