Estrangement Is Not A Tool

There's a video going around where an adult reads a letter she sent to her estranged parent after four years of no contact. She paraphrases her mother's response, and it essentially boils down to: "I am not going to change. If you can't accept me as I am, we can't have a relationship."

The adult child then goes on to discuss her perception of her parent's actions, why they're estranged, all the things between them.

And I kept thinking — there really isn't anything else to do here except accept what is in front of you.

This parent is telling you exactly what they want and how they are going to operate in this relationship. It's on the other person to decide if they can accept that.

This is also why I advise against using estrangement as a way to create change in your parent. Does it sometimes light a fire under them? Sure. But it can also lead to no change, more chaos in your life, and you losing the relationship completely because they aren't willing to come back.

Here's what people don't talk about: some estranged parents are actually liberated by the estrangement. Particularly if they found parenting to be tiring, burdensome, or something they didn't even want. There are entire communities dedicated to "regretful parents." We don't want to admit that some people didn't want to have children and resent their children, but it exists on a large scale.

The epiphany: Estrangement is not a tool to elicit change. It's a boundary. And when you come back, the only thing you can control is whether you've changed.

You might come back after four years and find your parent hasn't changed at all and doesn't have any plans to. Use this as data.

Your prompt for this week:

Ask yourself two questions:

Have I become someone in those four years who now has the tools, stability, and support to interact with my parent?

Or have conditions remained the same, and there's no way I can have a relationship?

Make a decision based on what you have in front of you — not what you wish was there.

If you're working through questions like these and want a space that actually helps you process them, The Family Cyclebreakers Club is where we go deeper. It's where the tools, the scripts, and the support live. Join us inside.

I hope to see you in a group at Calling Home (Join The Family Cyclebreakers Club) soon.

Whitney Goodman, LMFT

Calling Home Founder

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