Differentiation, Not Estrangement: Why So Many Adults Feel the Need to Pull Away from Their Parents

When I first put out a call to speak with adults who are estranged from their parents for my upcoming book, The Parent You Have, I anticipated some responses, but I didn’t expect this many. Thousands of people reached out. I’ve now conducted hundreds of hours of interviews, and the stories I’m hearing are shaping a powerful narrative that’s often misunderstood, oversimplified, or dismissed entirely.

A consistent theme is emerging: what many label as estrangement is often actually an attempt at differentiation, a vital and healthy developmental process, gone wrong.

This Isn't Just a “Young People” Issue

Online discourse frequently suggests that family estrangement is a phenomenon strictly affecting Gen Z.

So why does it look like this is something only young people are doing? Because young people are the ones who talk about it online. They’re comfortable posting their stories on TikTok and Instagram. But they’re not the only ones living them.

Differentiation vs. Estrangement

There’s a term in Bowenian family systems theory called differentiation. It refers to the ability to maintain your sense of self while still staying connected to others. Highly differentiated people know where they end and where another person begins. They’re able to set boundaries, express their individuality, and make decisions without fear of rejection.

In contrast, families with low levels of differentiation often equate autonomy with disloyalty. In these systems, individuality is seen as a threat.

And that’s where conflict starts.

"I Just Wanted to Be Me"

In many families, the message is clear: to be accepted, you must be a certain kind of person. You must follow a specific religion. Date a specific kind of partner. Choose a certain career. And for kids who try to step outside those boundaries, even just a little, the pushback can be immense.

Some children internalize the message: “I can’t be different. I’m not allowed.” Others rebel, sometimes in extreme ways. And some eventually realize that the only path to peace is distance.

But this isn’t always about anger or punishment. For many, it's a matter of survival. “I just wanted to be me,” they say. “And that wasn’t allowed.”

Role vs. Relationship

A major breakdown happens when families cling to roles instead of investing in relationships.

The role-based mindset says: I’m the parent, you’re the child. You listen. You obey. This works—for a while. However, as children grow into adults, their relationships must also evolve.

Relationship-based parenting, by contrast, says: I know you’re your own person now. Let’s figure out how to relate to one another as equals.

When that shift doesn’t happen, it can feel like the relationship crumbles. The adult child starts asserting independence, and the parent sees it as rejection, because without the role, there’s nothing left to stand on.

Why Some Families “Just Work”

It’s easy to look at seemingly perfect families and assume they just did it better. But often, these families also benefited from good fortune: no major deaths, no addiction, no instability, no trauma. That’s not to say those parents didn’t do important emotional work, but luck plays a bigger role than we like to admit.

Not every difficult family is dysfunctional. Some just had too much thrown at them, too fast, and didn’t have the tools to cope.

When Space Becomes the Only Option

In some cases, adults don’t cut off their parents entirely, but they pull way back. They stop sharing, stop visiting, and start finding community elsewhere. These changes aren’t always about hate or even hurt. Often, they reflect a desperate need for autonomy.

And yes, sometimes people make poor choices in the process. They date the wrong people, join unhealthy communities, or act out in unhealthy ways. But when a parent has always tried to control rather than guide, they lose the ability to intervene effectively.

A parent saying “Don’t date that person” might be met with: “Why should I listen to you? You stayed in a terrible marriage for decades.” The credibility is gone. The influence is lost.

What This Means for Parents

If you're a parent struggling to connect with your adult child, the issue might not be estrangement—it could be a matter of differentiation.

Ask yourself:

• Am I focusing more on my role than on our relationship?
• Am I giving them space to be their own person?
• Do I see their independence as a rejection?

Families who manage this transition well are those that allow their children to grow and develop. They understand that distance is not always disconnection, it’s often part of the process.

A Final Thought

To those who feel they’ve had to create distance to be themselves: I see you. I hear you. And your story isn’t just valid—it’s incredibly common.

And to the parents who are willing to listen, learn, and grow alongside their children: There is so much hope in that. Relationships don’t have to be perfect to be repaired.