Can Emotionally Immature Parents Change?

Can Emotionally Immature Parents Change?

If you’ve ever wondered whether an emotionally immature parent—or any difficult family member—can change, you’re not alone. This is one of the most common questions I hear, and the answer is far from simple. While anyone can change with the right tools, motivation, and insight, the reality is that very few people actually do. So where does that leave you and your parent?

The Fantasy of Change

Many adult children of emotionally immature parents hold onto a powerful fantasy: the belief that if they can just communicate the right way, share the right article, or send the right podcast episode, their parent will see the light and transform into the emotionally mature parent they’ve always wanted.

This fantasy often stems from our childhood instincts to protect ourselves. As children, we needed to believe that things would get better to feel safe and connected to our parents. While this belief may have helped you cope as a child, it can become a barrier to your own growth as an adult. Instead of focusing on changing your parent, consider the energy you’ve spent trying to “fix” them and how it might be holding you back.

Signs That Change Is Possible

While most emotionally immature people struggle to change, some do show signs of openness to growth. Here are a few indicators that change might be possible:

• Listening Without Defensiveness. If your parent starts to hear you out without immediately shutting you down or becoming defensive, it could indicate they’re open to growth.
• Taking Accountability. Small apologies or acknowledgment of their actions, even for minor issues, can be a good sign.
• Seeking Self-Improvement. Parents who read books, attend therapy, or engage in personal development activities are demonstrating a willingness to grow.

However, even with these signs, change is often slow, incremental, and inconsistent. Be realistic about what to expect.

Why Change Is So Difficult

Many factors influence a person’s ability to grow emotionally, including:

• Motivation: If their life circumstances don’t challenge them to change, they may not see the need for it.
• Personality and Mental Health: Deeply entrenched traits or untreated mental health conditions can make emotional growth particularly challenging.
• Cultural and Generational Norms: Behaviors that are culturally normalized or rooted in generational patterns may be harder to deconstruct.
• Self-Awareness: True change requires self-awareness, accountability, and the willingness to reflect on how one’s behavior impacts others.

Unfortunately, for many emotionally immature parents, the idea of admitting fault or taking accountability can feel too overwhelming. The protective mechanisms they’ve used their whole lives—whether that’s defensiveness, avoidance, or blame—are often deeply ingrained.

What You Can Do

If you’re exhausted from trying to “fix” your parent, here’s a liberating truth: their growth is not your responsibility. Instead, focus on what you can control:

• Set and Maintain Boundaries. Decide how much time and energy you’re willing to invest in the relationship. Boundaries are for your protection, not their punishment.
• Release the Fantasy. Accepting your parent as they are—without the expectation of change—can be freeing. This doesn’t mean you condone their behavior; it means you stop tying your happiness to their transformation.
• Focus on Your Own Growth. Your personal development should be about improving your life, not fixing theirs. When you focus on becoming emotionally mature yourself, you model healthy behavior and break generational patterns.
• Practice Self-Care. If your relationship with your parent is draining your energy and impacting other areas of your life, it’s okay to step back. Protect your well-being.

The Reality of Acceptance

Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up on your parent. It means understanding that their emotional growth is out of your hands. Whether you choose to maintain, limit, or end the relationship, the decision should align with what’s best for your mental health.

As an adult, you no longer need to live in the fantasy that kept you safe as a child. Now, you have the power to create boundaries, make choices, and take responsibility for your own happiness.

Ok, But Can They Change?

So, can emotionally immature parents change? The answer is: they can—but it doesn’t matter. Your focus should be on how you show up in the relationship, not on whether they change. By letting go of the role of “fixer,” you free yourself to live a healthier, more fulfilling life.

If you’re ready to take the next step, join Calling Home for resources to support your journey. From worksheets to webinars, our tools can help you build emotional maturity, set boundaries, and create the life you deserve.